The Art of Name Dropping

I’ve had a pleasant break, sunning myself in the Bahamas…and all that. I rubbed shoulders with the likes of Leonardo di Caprio, and sang a Karaoke duet with none other than Mel Gibson. He was a little on the tipsy side, and started ranting on about J…

Jumbo Jets.

It appears to me that few have followed our tips, and that can be clearly noted with all the new (and rather boring) sex blogs cropping up, so I’m here to suggest another tip, and it’s a useful tip because one of the most successful sex bloggers uses it all the time, and I think if it can work for her, then it may possibly work for you. The only thing you have to do, of course, is create a glam career.

Makeup artist, assistant film director (of crap B grade films), scriptwriter, something that has a Hollywood feel, a field that allows you to rub shoulders…who am I fooling here, a career that let’s you look at the backside of celebrities, because they have no time for you unless you have a vagina, are reasonably attractive, and are willing to blow hard just so you can blog about a celebrity encounter.

Face it. You’re not getting any sex at all, but it’s fun pretending to be fucked in all orifices, so you need a vehicle to drive readers to your blog. It’s getting a little stale lately…

An example post could be something that opens the subject on film remakes, which will finish with the celebrity of your choice, with a few added lickety-lick ass kisses inflating the celebrity to Oscar winning status even though they’re a CRAP actor.

My quick example:

“I do miss rubbing shoulders with the a-list crew and sipping Cristal between takes. It may be little fun waking up at five, to listen to a hunky actor with the pus filled zit the size of the Rock of Gibraltar, but it has its positive moments; I get to see the director boss these fuckers around, but more so, I get to see what these celebrities look like without their makeup. Some are nice, others are extremely generous; I have Cameron Diaz’s face washer, and Johnny Depp’s coffee mug (both were gifts).

I don’t miss the early starts or the Egos, but I do miss it. It’s unfortunate that I’m unable to work in this complex, glamorous industry. Something about me being a big blabbermouth blogger…

I can’t understand it. There are moments I want to bang my head against the wall. It breaks my heart (that’s your cue, dear reader, to add sympathy by the bucket load, pretending to understand my misery just so you can be seen commenting in the blog).”

It’s not that difficult is it? But no, it’s a slow monotonous tango with shit like:

‘D, my wife saw the Fed Ex guy yesterday. I saw her eyes. She assessed her chances, and she had good odds; the guy couldn’t remove his eyes from her camisole. Her nipples filled the bodice. Hard, pointed, I could only imagine his mouth sucking her tits. Hard within seconds, I asked her to do a little more, like the slut that she is.’

Or a twenty five word or less crappy erotic vehicle:

‘What would you say if I stuck my hand up your skirt?
-It makes me wet.
Only?
-Saturated.
Really?
-Slide your cock into me, now.

The Project?

How about you set yourself up with a little old sensual sex blog and then task yourself with trying to acquire as much popularity as you can possibly achieve within you peer group. With just one constraint, your blog should contain no sidebar reciprocal linkage, your only form of self promotion; comments.

Quite a task you may say but I it happens. What a fantastic phenomenon. The blogger has no sidebar links but is linked-to all over the blog world.

How? You may well ask. This blogger is very shrewd. They know that flattery is the best policy when it comes to winning over the unsuspecting blogger. A few effusive and lengthy comments and BINGO! Instant sidebar linkage. However, sometimes in their eagerness to spread the word I have noted that the comment can sometimes bear no relation to the post it is attached to. Even more spookily the blogger often refers back to a post on their own blog which, goodness me!, just happens to describe something similar to this post but is so much “hotter”.
Indeed this particular blogger is so busy keeping up with the number of bloggers new and old that they seem to operate a comment rota. Within days of a new blog appearing they are consumed by this insatiable being. It reminds me very much of the “Borg” from Star Trek. “You will be assimilated!”

I’m not sure quite why anyone, who clearly knows how to link back to their peers would do this. I can only surmise that this blogger is undertaking a social experiment to see just how far they can go without putting out one link to anyone.

I’m not exactly up on the whole linkage thing but I’m sure that Google will eventually reward this ingenuity. So everyone who has linked to this particular blogger shouldn’t be surprised by the bloggers increased search engine ranking, or maybe they’re planning a book launch? Book promotion is quite the thing at the moment within the blog world but I will cover that one later.

Image Is Everything

I have noticed lately a new trend towards image-centric blogs. These range from the non-creatively graphic with the standard pussy/penis covered in semen shots, in other words exhibitionism, to action shots on video. Neither of these have enriched the blogging community as this material has been available for a considerable time on porn sites.

This genre of non-creative blogging falls in to the following catagories:

Photoshopped

This is the type of photographic blog that contains images of the blogger. Posts being made either daily or weekly. In some cases it seems that any more frequent postings would be difficult given the amount of time needed to adjust the images in Photoshop before general release to the public.

One such blog’s author constantly presents their images against a black backdrop. You may wonder why, but it is obvious. The images are shaped and trimmed down every week to participate in the HNT posts. They painstakingly (and obviously) re-touch the images down from a size “actual size” to “desired size” every week.

I can understand that most of us would enjoy being admired in this way but please be honest about your images. If you are a large person rejoice in the fact, don’t try to fool everyone that you are not. A full and curvy figure is many people’s idea of heaven.

If your only contribution to the blogging world is posting dishonest images of yourself each week, then maybe it’s time to ask yourself what you get from blogging. Be proud of who you are and not what you believe others would have you be. Just a thought.

Image Snatch

It’s difficult to understand why this type of blog evolved in the first place. The total contents of the blog are stolen images of pussy/cock and come shots from existing galleries. All of which are readily available to the avid porn viewer. So why should we come over and take a look at your rehashged offerings? This type of blog takes no talent or time to create and should be looked upon as pure wank material.

They are often loaded with adverts too, becoming just revenue generating hook sites for their creator.

Flash The Gash

This type of blog fast becomes repetitive and monotonous as there are only so many times you can display your saggy pussy and tits before readers move on. Yet these bloggers insist on revealing their not so lovely bodies daily with pride. Some are even creating their own video clips, I advise you view with caution and in some cases a sick bag. Did I just hear a banjo?

If I wanted to view a pussy or a pair of tits there are plenty of galleries out there doing it much better. My advice, leave it to the pros and stop being such a dirty skank.

How to Take Out that Hated Blogger*

This could follow on from the previous post from the Gobblin’. How do you sabotage the blog* that you despise, and want to see die a slow painful death?

1) The best method, that hardly fails, is to spread rumor about the blogger you hate. You can make out like they’re harassing you, or stalking you in some way.

2) Create a conflict. When the hated blogger replies to you, to confront you, pretend you have amnesia. This makes the hated blogger look insane, and let’s you score some points. Warning: Should you fail to do this in a subtle manner, people will think you’re stark raving mad as well and will avoid you both.

3) Should you be the fortunate owner of a popular blog, you can start a boycott by enlisting your friends to not comment on the blog you hate. If you’re also lucky to be a high referrer, in addition to a popular blogger, then your grunts have no other choice but to follow your advice because you will remove their links from your blog. This works well because some bloggers would rather sever their little finger than lose traffic.

That’s my top three.

Remember: What goes around, comes around and I’m not talking about pussies and cocks. Being nice wins out each time. But should you desire to be nasty, because you’re a jealous so and so, then take my top three tips. Of course they damn well work. Be careful what you wish for.

* Blog refers to any blog that gets up your nose.

Blogger Comments Not Going So Well?

Is your blogger popularity waning? Do you have dwindling comments or feedback? Don’t worry, take action now. You can always use these tried and tested methods to increase your popularity and look as if you are not the only stinky kid in class.

Blogging is part talent, an aptitude for the written word (we know it should be all talent but, that’s not the way to popularity now is it.) and a huge lump of psychology. Tell your readers you are one Hot Cookie, your mailbox is overflowing each morning and your stats are astronomic. There aren’t enough hours in the day to respond to your faithful readers you have out there. Ok, perhaps that is pushing credibility to new levels but what the hell enough of them will fall for it, you can pull it off baby! I like the sound of that.

Step One

Spice up you sidebar. Put Hot, Spicy or something equally as eye-catching next to your friends on the sidebar to give them that extra zing. Then perhaps they will do the same for your blog.

Step Two

Create yourself a button so that all your blogger buddies can take one back to their blog making you stand out amongst the other mundane possibilities on their sidebar. Don’t forget to animate it for extra impact.

Step Three

Respond to your readers with a separate comment entry for each reply and voila! You just doubled the number of comments on your post with very little effort.

Step Four

Be warned this should only be used if all else fails (use with caution) add anonymous comments to your own posts. Be careful not to over do it as it can look very obvious if you have a higher proportion of anon comments to registered Blogger. For added credibility, give them names and stick to them no matter what.

Step Five

It takes a little more time but I feel it is well worth the investment. Set up blogger accounts for your ghost commenters. They don’t need to have a blog so don’t panic, just the id is fine and slightly more credible than the basic anon commenters.

Step Six

Mention your stats, those little babies are bound to turn them on. You can also make them up! After all who’s to know if you told a teeny weeny lie.

In addition to the above you could try changing your template. Reinvent yourself with a totally new look and whilst doing it take down some of your old posts. They will come in handy for republishing when you have nothing else in store.

Gratuities

Dear Reader

I’d like to pose three questions today.

• Have you ever been tempted to ask Bloggers for something that face-to-face in real life you would never dream of asking for?
• Have you ever been tempted to use your perceived importance within the blogging and wider web community to your advantage?
• Have you ever been tempted to reveal part of your real life self to other Bloggers to ingratiate yourself, or gain an advantage?

I will now answer the question that you must be pondering. Why would De Shade ask such questions?

A number of blogs give you the opportunity to “donate” to their author via paypal or some other means. A discrete PayPal button on the sidebar, a low-key, non-aggressive suggestion that their work is worth more than a bland comment. Bloggers put a lot of work into their sites and while these buttons may or may not work I am sure that the occasional gratuity will give the hardworking and under-valued writer a boost from time to time.

Just occasionally though Bloggers ask for a whole lot more. De Shade has noticed over the past months requests for accommodation (in a foreign country), funds for electronic equipment and most recently two posts on different blogs requesting that readers actually donate significant amounts of cash to the author.

Will the readers respond to overt requests for donations? Well apparently yes. Will Bloggers in receipt of those donation report them to the IRS? That is for their conscience to decide, and of course for the IRS to judge whether the donation is payment for services rendered or a gift between friends.

But enough of this idle speculation. If you really want to donate to a cause De Shade suggests one of the following.

Boobiethon

The Global Fund For Children

World Aids Day

The Disclaimer Blog

I know there are many of you eager readers out there who seek to find something that mimics the truth. There are housewives out there who really want to read true sexual confessions, males who need some fodder and the non fictional element is what gives a confession it’s magic. The distinction between fiction and non fiction is one:

Truth.

Fiction is the creation of a story from the imagination, and Non Fiction implies that the account is true, that it actually happened to the person or people that are described.


So, where does the buck stop for readers hunting sex blogs?

There are blogs, and there are disclaimer blogs. The first type don't really aim to 1. kiss booty, 2. feature lots of wobbly bits and 3. the writer's aren't super horny hot looking people. The second type are those blogs in which you’ll see a little (and it’s usually tiny, so it’s easily missed) square or button in the uppermost or lower corner of the blog. Click this and you’ll see another page that can translate to:

“This is all bullshit, enter at own risk.” or “ Just because I’m detailing this, it doesn’t meant that it’s real but if you want to pretend it’s real then that’s fine just don’t stalk me!’ Speaking of stalking….

Now if you’re happy reading fiction, that’s fine. If you’re happy to pretend you’re reading non fiction which is actually fiction, this is all fine as well.

Just remember:

It’s not true.
It doesn’t reflect any real sexual dynamic that can or may relate to you or your partner so just before you think that these people are having the time of their life and swinging from the chandeliers, remember the disclaimer! It’s highly likely that they’re not Don Juan or Jenna.

And better yet, some of the sexual positions are so out of this world, even ET would extend his thin stalk-like finger and scratch his head thinking 'wtf?'

So what does this mean for you, the potential sex blogger?

Use the disclaimer.

It absolves all responsibility. No one can point a finger at you or break into a tantrum when they discover that your 'real confessions' are .....fictional.

Avataaaaarghs

Ah, I’ve been away too long. But even your hard working De Shade must take a sabbatical sometimes. The delights of distant shores, filled with supplicant beauties, I can still taste their … another time perhaps dear reader. A story for another day.

One thing that is common in the world of erotic blogging is the use of the avatar image to support your legend and promote your blog.

As in all things in this merry dance of eroto-blogging, image is everything and truth can go to hell. Except of course in my case. The image you see is truly the visage of De Shade a rare treat when adult bloggers rarely show themselves.

And who can blame them? Would you show your face after baring your thoughts, your fantasies, you soft and squidy (occasionally hard and horny) bits?

Yes, yes some will, but for the most part you prefer the protection of an image gathered from the exotic depths of Google image search or Flikcr. What was that? Copyright did someone say? What’s that? Finders keepers seems to be the rule here.

Now with such a vast array of possible personas to be had via this cornucopia of imagery what should you choose?

Consider these types of images and what they say about you.

Absolutely abstract: (e.g. Jackson Pollock): I am mysterious, an enigma, but MSN me nicely and I’ll send you pictures of my fleshy bits if you do likewise.

Figurative abstract: (e.g. Van Gogh, Sunflowers): I have an artistic side, I am a sensitive being, but MSN me nicely and I’ll send you pictures of my fleshy bits if you send me pictures of your partner’s.

Comic (esp. animated): I have a sense of humor, I don’t take myself too seriously. Please send me pictures of your genitalia photographed from an unusual angle.

Sexy: I’m so hot and if you want to believe that image of the sexy leather clad, whip wielding vision is me then be my guest. BTW do you have any pictures of yourself naked.

Provocative: Yes that is a carrot and as you can see I’m not afraid to use it. Do you have any pictures of yourself in loving poses with vegetables.

Slutty: I will do anything for a Budweiser, so come over with a few bottles and bring your camera.

Obscene: I used to be slutty but I’ve let myself go. Or, please send me pictures that can only be taken with a speculum and endoscope.

Photoshopped to Fuck: I want to believe I’m sexy, I want you to believe the same. I really could do with some help with my self-esteem.

The Real Deal: Please stalk me, my number is 555-

Now what category does De Shade fall into? Hehehe.

Adieu

Commentary 101B

Your blog doesn’t simply reflect how sexy you are, but what type of crowd you hang out with or, what type of crowd you’d like to impress.

The first step in ensuring you attract the crowd of your preference is to take steps in controlling the comments that come your way.

Yes, officially blogging is the last bastion of freedom but most are aware that this is rubbish. It’s best to think of a blog as one’s own dictatorship: a sexual dictatorship where you’re sexier than Saddam, have more tenacity than Fidel and definitely more savoir fair than Osama.

It all boils down to what you’d like others to perceive and these are the two most popular methods:

1) Super Dooper Nice Guy or Girl - don’t moderate, let anyone comment and if any nasty comments come your way, pretend that you’re blonde and allow them to go over your head. By letting anyone comment, you put forth the view that you’re more open than a sex worker’s legs. Well, that’s the analogy I prefer to use, since this is a sex blog advice page.

2) Upwardly mobile sex blogger or opinionista - moderate, moderate, moderate! This is to separate the sexual wheat from the chaff and it also allows you to entertain the inner dictator within you, which is fun because some of us can’t satisfy this inner need (we’re not loaded with stacks of cash, don’t sell arms, and are relegated to working a forty hour week, and doing the dishes). The basic logic is to keep comments that rock your boat, and delete those that don’t reflect what you’d like to achieve. Once you achieve huge hits, then it doesn’t matter, but while you’re climbing the ladder to sex blog heaven, it helps to get in with the high hitting crowd (refer to previous topics on this subject) and have that crowd leave comments in your blog. This is preferable in the beginning, and looks better than having some unknown sex blogger comment.

How do you get that popular blogger to comment in your blog, you ask? Do you have to write great clit or cock-erature? It’s not a matter of what is written, more the number of egos that are stroked.

Note: this also applies to being selected to appear in Fleshbot, where the same blogs appear twice a month, each month, even though the sexblog count exceeds 120.

On your next sojourn into sex blog world, keep an eye out for bloggers who moderate their comments, and those who don’t - usually the Hollywood equivalent celebrity sex blogger.

Link, Link, Link And More Links

Links are vital to promote your blog, it’s no good blogging if nobody is reading you. Right? This can be done in many ways and remember don’t hold back, exploit every opportunity to the full.

The Sidebar

This costs nothing and is an excellent way to link to hundreds of other bloggers. Just take a look over to the left and you will see, mine is quite big (wink, wink). If only 10% of the blogs listed on your sidebar link back to you out of courtesy, then that is a good start. In fact what the hell, use ours over there as a starting block.

Make sure that you keep your sidebar updated regularly. The best strategy is probably to link any new commentor straight away, then they are probably going to reciprocate and not forget. It’s a good idea to have the sidebar ordered alphabetically, it stops bloggers wondering why you put them at the bottom of the list, which would happen if you just tagged people onto the end of the list. There can be exceptions to this, if you want to plug a blog who is giving you lots of hits, just stick it at the top. If it looks a bit odd you can always add it under the bloggers name or in desperation a nickname. Choose the naming convention that fits your purposes.

Buttons

Create a button for your blog, which can be placed on fellow blogger’s sidebars. Make this eye catching so readers are tempted to click to your blog. And don’t be shy about pushing bloggers to use it. You can do a full post about it or even more pushy, email them out to your comrades. You may be fortunate to get a high uptake if they feel sympathetic to your promotional campaign, or obliged if you ask them nicely enough. Never be shy about pushing yourself and your blog. A faint heart and all that.

Post Links

When composing your daily post ensure that you create at least one link to a fellow blogger. The link can be as simply to quote on that person’s blog, what’s important is that you linked them. Which means they will be doing the same back to you at some point. And so it goes. These links act as arteries feeding new readers over to your blog. Do not underestimate the power of the link.

Some bloggers create their day’s post’s from links. Pulling extracts from bloggers to quote as a daily post. Although a tiresome practice, it does enable the blogger to post daily without the need to produce content personally. Plus giving you extra bonus points for linkage.

In practice you need to make your links varied. Don’t do like some and link only to a small inner circle of friends, remember you need maximum exposure to succeed. Being featured on the same blog day in and day out is not going to pull in a new audience.

Tips for Writer's Block

Writer’s block is a terrible thing. Indeed, some bloggers can find it more traumatizing than Hezbollah, and so in order to thwart the beast, they do the next best thing:

- The Meme

- Expound their philosophy of writing like they’re Nobel Laureates.


The Meme:

Supposedly revealing more bits about the writer, the meme acts to provide more information such as your favorite blogger having a penchant for eating grits or foie gras whilst fucking. Some Memes apparently analyze your favorite blogger’s sexual talents. Few bloggers create their own Memes, as most would prefer to be tagged. Tagging involves one person completing the quiz and tagging their friends. If they don’t have blogging friends, it doesn’t matter, they can invite anyone to adopt the Meme and continue the game, or nuclear chain reaction.

Memes supposedly represent the passage of ideas from blog to blog, or in the Muff’s view of all things bloggish, they’re the online equivalent of the Hot Zone, a little like Ebola but lacking the lethal consequences.

You can find more information here, but for now there is this. Yes, I decided to delve into the deeper part of myself to give you the following - the most popular sex meme in this here, sex blogland:

muff diver -- [noun]: An erotic popsicle 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

There you go, erotic popsicle. Now you can go and suck me.


For those who don't do memes, who prefer to wave their philosophical phallus around, they talk non-stop about writing, and what it is or what it isn't. In short, they act like they're literary geniuses. There are many posts that discuss the meaning of writing in sex-blog land, and these posts usually pop up when the sex-blogger has no erotic goods to give. It may work if they're a popular blogger, but I'd advise the newbie sex blogger to stick to the meme.

Ye Shall Reap What You Sow

Now you have carefully chosen your blog name and presumably the legend is in full swing. You have whored yourself effectively, hopefully opting for the Classy technique. It is now time to get out there and spread the good word. Hallelujah!

You should register your blog here there and everywhere. Join every directory you come across. Top Tip, look down other blogger’s sidebars and you will always find a collection of sites to add your blog to. Making sure of course, to stick with the listings your blog is appropriate for. For example if your’s is a vanilla blog (we only do it missionary, with the lights off) you don’t want to regisiter on a BDSM listing.

There are also a number of bloggers out there who have high traffic, often due to being a legend within the blog world. This has nothing to do with content, in fact their posts are usually short or self obsessed or both. As they say “famous for being famous”. It is a good idea to join the tens of others all seeking the same thing “traffic” and place comments on their blog.

Remember this axiom, comments breed comments. The more you place the greater the number who will reciprocate, and their readers may come and take a look at you. Which brings me nicely to another important point, make sure your avatar is eye-catching. This will be covered in a post of it’s own at a later date.

Now, back to where we were originally. Comments can be classed into three main types:

Inane

These comments are devised to be a) Quick and b) Universal, being that they are so impersonal and ambiguous that they can be applied to posts either using “Cut & Paste” or for the professional, set up against an f-key. This will give maximum throughput when mass-commenting.

Some options for these are:

“Lovely, that was so sexy”
“This was hot”
“Great post”

Whorish

This type of comment is usually solicited by blogger’s who are as they like to describe themselves, sluts or dirty. These comments are usually lavished on the male blogger and will infer a desire to perform some kind of sexual act upon them. Usually one particular sexual act but phailing [sic] that anything else you’d see in a formulaic porn movie.

Flirting

This behaviour can be displayed by either sex and it’s very effective. It not only complements the post’s author, but favours the commenter in the authors eyes. Some male bloggers actively encourage this kind of behaviour and predominantly comment on lone female blogger’s. Likewise, there are many lone female bloggers who like to court their male readership. In either case there are lines that you should never cross and IMing excessively or using IM to make unwanted advances/teasing can lead to a whole heap of problems. Especially if one party or other makes the content of such communications public.

Thoughtful

This one I feel is self explanatory. It’s a comment that reflects the fact that the commentor has not only read your post but taken the time to compose a meaningful response.

So go out there bloggers and show them what you’ve got.

Commenting 101A

I’m going to pull my hair out and stamp my feet!
Why?
I’ll tell you why.

Why hasn’t anyone posted a comment on the Muff’s latest blog post In a Dick of a Pickle asking for suggestions?

Yes, people the subject is commentary and how its more important than cleaning out your ear wax when it comes to sex blogs.

The only rule, the most important rule is this:

You don’t have to read a post in detail to comment. In fact, that’s irrelevant. An intrepid blogger needs to learn how to SKIM READ.

It’s logical because there are so many blogs out there and if you read them all in detail you’d be there for a century, and your teeth would be furry by the time you finished.

Basic rule of thumb is that a blogger can write a work rivaling Karl Marx’s Das Kapital and post it, and your job is easy: ‘Wow, that’s insightful’

Three words.

It’s a comment that puts the ball into the poor blogger’s court, where they have to comment on something you’ve written - even if it’s about how boring your life is.

Yes, they’ll grit their teeth, but it gets the whole process going. It’s like a snowball than can only get bigger.

Other not-so-important rules are:

1) Demand or hint that you want comments by putting it on your webpage: ‘I’m a comment whore, please comment.’ You’d be surprised, but it works. It’s true, the meek will one day inherit the world because they like being bossed about.

2)Post a topic about comments and be blunt about it, while dissecting your latest oral sex session.

3)If you really want to be blunt about it, link the request to the post you want comments on: I want to know what Legend to pick and I’d sure as friggin’ hell want comments, lots and lots of comments because I’m so much of a comment whore that I need a 12 Step Program.


Note: See how I've linked to the post I WANT YOU WONDERFUL (Kissy Kissy tactic) READERS to comment on?

Scenarios To Avoid In Your Legend

If you are single, avoid hooking up with someone permanently. It’s alright to have them wander in and out of your life, especially if they make things difficult/awkward for you. Your female/male readership could suffer if the coupling becomes a permanent thing.

Do not go more than a couple of weeks without having a tragedy or setback of some description, the readers do not want to hear how wonderful your life is. After all they are probably looking to you for an escape and that is why they sit reading/writing emails to you.

Never let your readers feel neglected and that you have become independent, tell them how much you appreciate their readership and throw in some inflated stat quotes to reinforce this. Don’t allow the readers to know that they are the only people reading you and yet foster their perception that you are speaking only to them.

Lack of comments can look bad and if everything else has failed, create some anon ones or even give these imaginary friends names to make them look authentic. If you have time set up Blogger accounts for these faithful commentors. You might even want them to comment on other blogs from time to time to reinforce their provenance.

Hint at being successful in the real world. Don’t be too specific, that would make your legen too inflexible if you wanted to create a tragedy later in the life of your blog. Being too successful has another negative side effect, the readership will grown envious and move on. After all you have everything they would desire to have a better life, so why should they sympathise with you.

If you find it necessary to give step by step coverage of your latest sexual encounter, do not attempt to reveal to everyone that she/he said you were the best fuck they had ever had. This just makes you look like one sad fuck!

Never, ever, let on that you are totally happy under any circumstances. If you want to bring a small amount of joy to your blog, make sure that it is tempered with an undertone of sadness.

Don’t pretend to be the opposite gender, this rarely works. Men generally do not feel, think or, therefore, write the same as women and vice-versa. Phrases, level of description, emotional intensity and tone all give away the true author’s gender.

And finally, telling the truth. This will only disappoint the public, if your life was so exciting you wouldn’t spend hours at your computer screen now would you?

Whoring Your Blog - Beginner's Basics

Once you have figured out the name of your online masterpiece, set the wheels in motion by registering yourself in the Blog-Zone (which can be a little like a Drop Zone if you’re not careful), you need to consider marketing your little treasure trove.

But how is this done? You may ask.

I’ll give you a hint, it’s a little like prostitution but you don’t actually have to go anywhere near anyone’s bodily fluids.

Answer: Become a blogwhore.

A blogwhore is someone who whores their blog like it is John Holmes’s shlong or Jenna’s intricately landscaped pussy.

There are two ways to whore your blog: the classy and trashy way, which can also be the desperate way.

Classy:

- An elegant layout that allows readers to navigate their way through your insights without any additional grief.

- A statistic counter helps by indicating that people do in fact visit your page. Key word here is indicate (more further down).

- Interesting posts.

- Commenting in other blogs and hoping that other bloggers comment back in your neck of Sexual Nirvana.


Trashy:

- Commenting in other blogs and overtly requesting that (the blogger whose blog your commenting in) the person reads your latest post.
- Every so often announcing your visitor milestone like it’s the Second Coming, a UFO sighting or some other life or death milestone. Remember you're a blogger, you're not the author of the Da Vinci Code.

Example: ‘Today this blog reached the whatever trillion visitor mark!’

Chances are, if you have a visible counter, the reader will have a rough idea of the number of visits to your blog. To announce it or make it the subject is like telling your potential reader that they’ve failed elementary school arithmetic.

People read sex blogs to get a sexual kick out of SEXUAL CONTENT, not 'I've just had my billionth visitor'. It's not something you'd scream out in bed, is it? To put it plainly, it's trashy and more desperate than Nicolette Sheridan trying to look like a twenty year old.

- Reminding readers to read your posts like they're naughty school children with ADD. All blogs come with a sidebar and within that sidebar is a section titled, Recent Posts or Recent or a title that lists your most recent posts.

Example: The addition of a postscript like ‘Don’t forget to read the previous entry where I talk about shoving a rubber chicken up my doo-da’ oozes desperation - not a good look. Remember you’re the auteur of a sex blog, you’re sexy and you’re not desperate for God’s sake!

Happy Blogging, you potential sexual animals!

Blog Watching

Avid blog watchers may wish to visit this site http://www.bubblegummeltdown.com.

Naming Yourself And Your Blog

I thought I would begin with the name of your blog. It’s of vital importance that you consider the name before setting up on your blog host. The names you want might not be available so have alternatives ready.

The Name of your Blog

1) Don’t use your own name. Obvious I know, but there are some strange people out there and not just the blog authors. A very small percentage of the readership is a little creepy so don’t release any personal information. The exception to this is myself, your very own De Shade, at school my name brought me sniggers and bullying. That was just the teachers, now I am proud to be De Shade.

2) Make sure you and your blog have a name that is suggestive or just plain obscene. The following are great, I’m sure you will be able to come up with some of your own. Select, mix and match as you feel fit.

Adventures
Anal
Aroused
Boob(s)
Balls
Call Girl
Cock
Confessions
Cum
Cunt/Cunting
Dirty
Fiend
Flirty
Hard
Harlot
Kinky
Love
Muff
Naked
Naughty
Oral
Porn
Pussy
Rapacious/Rapacity
Ravenous
Salacious
Sex/Sexy
Secret
Slut
Smut
Stripper
Strumpet
Tales
Tit(s)
Whore

“Confessions” is a useful word it is effective by implying the revelation of sinful acts it creates the right mood. This is what you should aim for, the creation in the mind of the reader the impression that they are being taken into your trust to read about your most intimate of thoughts, desires and actions.

3) Ensure the name of your blog is alphabetically advantageous. Remember if your name appears at the top of a fellow blogger’s sidebar the link to your site will be clicked. Get yourself in the top five alphabetically. At the bottom is second best, again your blog’s name will stand out. But never, ever get lost in the middle of the sidebars, letters I to S are pretty mediocre for sidebar placement. Though there are a lot of great S words so don’t overlook them, e.g. “Anal Slut” is a good choice.

“Aardvark Anal” is available and to be recommended, the blog name that is, not the practice. Otherwise go for “Zygote Sex”.

Your Blog Identity

As for your blog identity, as opposed to your blog’s name, you have much more freedom. The name reflects your persona, it could even be your real name, though I would not advise it for reasons mentioned above. If you’re after the guys, try incorporating words like “Slut” or “Wanton”. For attracting the girls try something that implies you are single, worldly and hung like a horse.

How to be a Hot Wife

The word Hot may be a misnomer but this formula is bound to work if you desire to be a Hot Wife. Hot, in this example, refers to the rise in temperature due to sexual frustration.

To be a Hot Wife, it helps to:

a) Always complain about your husband.
b) Whine about not being aroused.
c) Wax lyrical about the methods used to avoid sex like a petulant little girl when you’re nearing 40.

Guess Who, Don’t Sue: It’s all in the italics.


Good Luck Chickadees!

Having That Wining Formula

Before you embark upon your entries for the blog, you need decide on a legend for yourself. For this to work to it’s full potential there has to be an element of unhappiness in one form or another. At all times remember your legend, if you’re living in Vermont, stay living in Vermont. If you decide that your first sexual experience was with “Stanley” behind the school gymnasium in your last year of senior high then make sure you write it down. If you do this right some of your readers will be quite obsessive and they will remember contradictions.

The best one’s are:

Single Male/Female

You can really go to town with this one. Court your public, write lots about not getting sex and how you are really desperate to find someone who can take care of your needs. Adding the occasional bout of masturbation to spice things up a bit.

If you do get sex, start telling everyone how good he/she is or how well you performed with lots of descriptive text. This then opens the forum for discussion or even a vote on how much you like certain sexual acts performing on you (always a good one).

Married Male/Female

This role is best delivered with an undertone of dissatisfaction. The partner is not interested in sex anymore or has problems that result in little or no physical contact. In this instance you need to post about how frustrated you are and how much you want it.

Troubled Marriage

Lots of possibilities with this one, maybe even moving in to the divorce arena eventually (you will have to see which way the readers go). This works well for both sexes, you will have lots of people “stepping up to the plate” offering advice.

Divorcing Male/Female

You can play around a lot with this one. Did the impending divorce come before or after the affair that you are now having. Your partner was frigid for years (this makes the other man/woman more easily accepted by the reader). You can drive yourself crazy with guilt about not loving your partner and the other person you now have in your life.

Next time from me – Scenarios to avoid in your legend.

Tag You're It

The fundamental step in getting a blog out there, regardless of content, is the tag.

Technorati, the super-dooper blog directory, works to get the most boring post (like this one) out there.

How is this done, you may ask?

Simply by using a link that links back to Technorati.

Technorati has a help section that sets this all out so you can produce tags underneath your posts that categorize your post into any part of the super-dooper directory you desire, as shown below.

Now I haven't written anything about heart stopping fuckfests, but this post will be fished out by Technorati regardless because of all the below tags. Deceptive? Shit yes. This has been proven time and time again by popular sex blog posts that talk about doing the laundry, which are tagged in the below fashion.


sex
fucking
sexblogs
cock
pussy
cunt
affair
relationships

Bonsoir Bloggers

I for one used to believe that to achieve greatness and the respect of my peers I would have to work long and hard. I had visions of De Shade toiling into the small hours each night by the light of smoking tallow candles scratching away with his quill.

No longer! I believe I have discovered the secret of creating a popular adult blog. Curiously this does not require you to be a talented writer or have a boundless imagination teaming with erotic ideas.

So what makes for a popular adult blog?

My posts will teach you the secrets. They are simple, often bizarre, but always of use to the aspiring adult blogger.

Come back soon, but for tonight dear reader, adieu.