Commentary 101B

Your blog doesn’t simply reflect how sexy you are, but what type of crowd you hang out with or, what type of crowd you’d like to impress.

The first step in ensuring you attract the crowd of your preference is to take steps in controlling the comments that come your way.

Yes, officially blogging is the last bastion of freedom but most are aware that this is rubbish. It’s best to think of a blog as one’s own dictatorship: a sexual dictatorship where you’re sexier than Saddam, have more tenacity than Fidel and definitely more savoir fair than Osama.

It all boils down to what you’d like others to perceive and these are the two most popular methods:

1) Super Dooper Nice Guy or Girl - don’t moderate, let anyone comment and if any nasty comments come your way, pretend that you’re blonde and allow them to go over your head. By letting anyone comment, you put forth the view that you’re more open than a sex worker’s legs. Well, that’s the analogy I prefer to use, since this is a sex blog advice page.

2) Upwardly mobile sex blogger or opinionista - moderate, moderate, moderate! This is to separate the sexual wheat from the chaff and it also allows you to entertain the inner dictator within you, which is fun because some of us can’t satisfy this inner need (we’re not loaded with stacks of cash, don’t sell arms, and are relegated to working a forty hour week, and doing the dishes). The basic logic is to keep comments that rock your boat, and delete those that don’t reflect what you’d like to achieve. Once you achieve huge hits, then it doesn’t matter, but while you’re climbing the ladder to sex blog heaven, it helps to get in with the high hitting crowd (refer to previous topics on this subject) and have that crowd leave comments in your blog. This is preferable in the beginning, and looks better than having some unknown sex blogger comment.

How do you get that popular blogger to comment in your blog, you ask? Do you have to write great clit or cock-erature? It’s not a matter of what is written, more the number of egos that are stroked.

Note: this also applies to being selected to appear in Fleshbot, where the same blogs appear twice a month, each month, even though the sexblog count exceeds 120.

On your next sojourn into sex blog world, keep an eye out for bloggers who moderate their comments, and those who don’t - usually the Hollywood equivalent celebrity sex blogger.

Link, Link, Link And More Links

Links are vital to promote your blog, it’s no good blogging if nobody is reading you. Right? This can be done in many ways and remember don’t hold back, exploit every opportunity to the full.

The Sidebar

This costs nothing and is an excellent way to link to hundreds of other bloggers. Just take a look over to the left and you will see, mine is quite big (wink, wink). If only 10% of the blogs listed on your sidebar link back to you out of courtesy, then that is a good start. In fact what the hell, use ours over there as a starting block.

Make sure that you keep your sidebar updated regularly. The best strategy is probably to link any new commentor straight away, then they are probably going to reciprocate and not forget. It’s a good idea to have the sidebar ordered alphabetically, it stops bloggers wondering why you put them at the bottom of the list, which would happen if you just tagged people onto the end of the list. There can be exceptions to this, if you want to plug a blog who is giving you lots of hits, just stick it at the top. If it looks a bit odd you can always add it under the bloggers name or in desperation a nickname. Choose the naming convention that fits your purposes.

Buttons

Create a button for your blog, which can be placed on fellow blogger’s sidebars. Make this eye catching so readers are tempted to click to your blog. And don’t be shy about pushing bloggers to use it. You can do a full post about it or even more pushy, email them out to your comrades. You may be fortunate to get a high uptake if they feel sympathetic to your promotional campaign, or obliged if you ask them nicely enough. Never be shy about pushing yourself and your blog. A faint heart and all that.

Post Links

When composing your daily post ensure that you create at least one link to a fellow blogger. The link can be as simply to quote on that person’s blog, what’s important is that you linked them. Which means they will be doing the same back to you at some point. And so it goes. These links act as arteries feeding new readers over to your blog. Do not underestimate the power of the link.

Some bloggers create their day’s post’s from links. Pulling extracts from bloggers to quote as a daily post. Although a tiresome practice, it does enable the blogger to post daily without the need to produce content personally. Plus giving you extra bonus points for linkage.

In practice you need to make your links varied. Don’t do like some and link only to a small inner circle of friends, remember you need maximum exposure to succeed. Being featured on the same blog day in and day out is not going to pull in a new audience.

Tips for Writer's Block

Writer’s block is a terrible thing. Indeed, some bloggers can find it more traumatizing than Hezbollah, and so in order to thwart the beast, they do the next best thing:

- The Meme

- Expound their philosophy of writing like they’re Nobel Laureates.


The Meme:

Supposedly revealing more bits about the writer, the meme acts to provide more information such as your favorite blogger having a penchant for eating grits or foie gras whilst fucking. Some Memes apparently analyze your favorite blogger’s sexual talents. Few bloggers create their own Memes, as most would prefer to be tagged. Tagging involves one person completing the quiz and tagging their friends. If they don’t have blogging friends, it doesn’t matter, they can invite anyone to adopt the Meme and continue the game, or nuclear chain reaction.

Memes supposedly represent the passage of ideas from blog to blog, or in the Muff’s view of all things bloggish, they’re the online equivalent of the Hot Zone, a little like Ebola but lacking the lethal consequences.

You can find more information here, but for now there is this. Yes, I decided to delve into the deeper part of myself to give you the following - the most popular sex meme in this here, sex blogland:

muff diver -- [noun]: An erotic popsicle 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

There you go, erotic popsicle. Now you can go and suck me.


For those who don't do memes, who prefer to wave their philosophical phallus around, they talk non-stop about writing, and what it is or what it isn't. In short, they act like they're literary geniuses. There are many posts that discuss the meaning of writing in sex-blog land, and these posts usually pop up when the sex-blogger has no erotic goods to give. It may work if they're a popular blogger, but I'd advise the newbie sex blogger to stick to the meme.

Ye Shall Reap What You Sow

Now you have carefully chosen your blog name and presumably the legend is in full swing. You have whored yourself effectively, hopefully opting for the Classy technique. It is now time to get out there and spread the good word. Hallelujah!

You should register your blog here there and everywhere. Join every directory you come across. Top Tip, look down other blogger’s sidebars and you will always find a collection of sites to add your blog to. Making sure of course, to stick with the listings your blog is appropriate for. For example if your’s is a vanilla blog (we only do it missionary, with the lights off) you don’t want to regisiter on a BDSM listing.

There are also a number of bloggers out there who have high traffic, often due to being a legend within the blog world. This has nothing to do with content, in fact their posts are usually short or self obsessed or both. As they say “famous for being famous”. It is a good idea to join the tens of others all seeking the same thing “traffic” and place comments on their blog.

Remember this axiom, comments breed comments. The more you place the greater the number who will reciprocate, and their readers may come and take a look at you. Which brings me nicely to another important point, make sure your avatar is eye-catching. This will be covered in a post of it’s own at a later date.

Now, back to where we were originally. Comments can be classed into three main types:

Inane

These comments are devised to be a) Quick and b) Universal, being that they are so impersonal and ambiguous that they can be applied to posts either using “Cut & Paste” or for the professional, set up against an f-key. This will give maximum throughput when mass-commenting.

Some options for these are:

“Lovely, that was so sexy”
“This was hot”
“Great post”

Whorish

This type of comment is usually solicited by blogger’s who are as they like to describe themselves, sluts or dirty. These comments are usually lavished on the male blogger and will infer a desire to perform some kind of sexual act upon them. Usually one particular sexual act but phailing [sic] that anything else you’d see in a formulaic porn movie.

Flirting

This behaviour can be displayed by either sex and it’s very effective. It not only complements the post’s author, but favours the commenter in the authors eyes. Some male bloggers actively encourage this kind of behaviour and predominantly comment on lone female blogger’s. Likewise, there are many lone female bloggers who like to court their male readership. In either case there are lines that you should never cross and IMing excessively or using IM to make unwanted advances/teasing can lead to a whole heap of problems. Especially if one party or other makes the content of such communications public.

Thoughtful

This one I feel is self explanatory. It’s a comment that reflects the fact that the commentor has not only read your post but taken the time to compose a meaningful response.

So go out there bloggers and show them what you’ve got.

Commenting 101A

I’m going to pull my hair out and stamp my feet!
Why?
I’ll tell you why.

Why hasn’t anyone posted a comment on the Muff’s latest blog post In a Dick of a Pickle asking for suggestions?

Yes, people the subject is commentary and how its more important than cleaning out your ear wax when it comes to sex blogs.

The only rule, the most important rule is this:

You don’t have to read a post in detail to comment. In fact, that’s irrelevant. An intrepid blogger needs to learn how to SKIM READ.

It’s logical because there are so many blogs out there and if you read them all in detail you’d be there for a century, and your teeth would be furry by the time you finished.

Basic rule of thumb is that a blogger can write a work rivaling Karl Marx’s Das Kapital and post it, and your job is easy: ‘Wow, that’s insightful’

Three words.

It’s a comment that puts the ball into the poor blogger’s court, where they have to comment on something you’ve written - even if it’s about how boring your life is.

Yes, they’ll grit their teeth, but it gets the whole process going. It’s like a snowball than can only get bigger.

Other not-so-important rules are:

1) Demand or hint that you want comments by putting it on your webpage: ‘I’m a comment whore, please comment.’ You’d be surprised, but it works. It’s true, the meek will one day inherit the world because they like being bossed about.

2)Post a topic about comments and be blunt about it, while dissecting your latest oral sex session.

3)If you really want to be blunt about it, link the request to the post you want comments on: I want to know what Legend to pick and I’d sure as friggin’ hell want comments, lots and lots of comments because I’m so much of a comment whore that I need a 12 Step Program.


Note: See how I've linked to the post I WANT YOU WONDERFUL (Kissy Kissy tactic) READERS to comment on?